The thunder of music cuts the clouds
it slits, but they still it roars, but they still the painful clouds of clamorous silence.
The murmur of movies drains the clouds
it blurs, but they still it rains, but they still and each drop screams up in silence.
The clatter of glasses blows the clouds
it whirls, but they still it dopes, but they still and each breeze stinks nauseous silence.
The crackle of cigarettes hides the clouds
it burns, but they still it chokes, but they still and each ashen knock groans in silence.
The amble of paces flees the clouds
it begs, but they still it shakes, but they still and each painful cloud shrills in silence.
I’m sober like Piza’s tower’s straight,
Appreciate! ’cause I tried it, mate; Like I said the worldly world is doggy doggy, Don’t get surprised when you’re in an in ill-meant doggie.
I just tried life, but I did my best as newbie,
No one loved me, but it’s okie – I have my drinks and the escorting soda, I’m still wise looking just as Yoda.
I’ve no prophecies, no fear, bro;
I’ve got no ads, just go with the flow; If you can’t bear the shit you are through, Just have some drinks to make blur your view.
People are cruel, brutal and even more,
Black and white’s fine, but not a so-called colour Because what is happy is heretic; Deep down, every person speaks Arabic.
They say it’s Haram to have my rum,
but expect me to stay dumb When they say life is a testing process, not a meaningless toxic mess.
I can feel how it loosens,
my grab to the sense of reality – I’m afraid to ask, to know whether it is too late… whether she’ll be there at time… but she is always here in my mind after all.
I pay for every single smile
Nights of crying and loneliness Like pushing rocks a mile that fall back on me bottomless.
I pay for every single happiness
Days of being my own exile Like walking in the eye of storminess that shows all the madness awhile.
I pay for every coping style
Years of distant, forgotten sadness Like hiding the warning FRAGILE that leaves behind my pieces in recklessness.
Bloodshot eyes from the cries.
Who I am among the lies? Is it true I’ve been through? You’re not bad, tells me who? The one I hurt, where’s my court? All’s gone blur, but her support. I’m gone mad – that’s what I said. I just wish my cries could run red.
I’ve never seen a word such suffocating –
such as regret. I stuffed my already crowded mind with lies such as I never feel regret. I stuffed my ego with lies that I deserved this all, and all the bad is out of regret. I went dreamwalking with that chestboard in my chest, seeing all pain I was used to, but regret. While the word kept me chasing, just as my chest kept aching from what I wasn’t able to see that I do regret. My chest is opening now, with unusual pain that is searing me down, but I’m somehow happy to hear that I do regret. All the pain I caused, not just to myself alone, not just to the one I loved, but for everyone who had to pay for my pain – I regret. I don’t know how could it be possible now to be a better person from now, and I really don’t know it like I didn’t know it back from now, but I regret. This word is here now, that kept me suffocating – crying – waiting for answers in my hiding, but I am free now; free as a hated criminal who’s not enjailed now, and knows only one word only one word that he murmurs alone: I regret.
04.12.2020, 04:20 am
Science tells us, time and space are not the thing
that makes us dependent, but we make them up, just to feel dependent.
As not being depending on any or to any
time and space keeps drifting, merging and vortexing with you nowhere.
Even your cereblar synopses warp,
plunging you in sharp dark, throwing in deep blaze your dizzy image.
Childhood feelings, romance,
pain of bruises, torments keep mashing up your moments.
In such an end, you if you,
or rather your shadow drift in nowhere and nowhen.
There’s an ocean hurricane of burden horrored thoughtless thinking and doubtful agonies,
waiting to take control of the last beam of mind and draw darkened realities;
whirling and whirling in filthy foulness and hellish sorrow –
what could ease it now if there’s no peace to borrow:
lock them inside poetry and remain hollow.
What a bitter joke is the life!
Would it be better without lies? So many lies that God forbidden, Those which are or not deeply hidden:
The lied “ailuvyoes”, the lied “aimfines”,
The lying poetries and stolen rhymes, The lied self-esteem, the lied moods, The lying virtues under my hooves:
Are all lies.
Are all sections that need sactions. Are all lies. And all are punishments themselves.
Beetle step on your open eyes. Green
velvet mold relax your breasts. Look at the loneliness you are sending me. Grind your teeth; eat up your lips.
Your face should fall off like dry sand,
the dear. And if you’d caress me, since in place of your lap there’s an empty land: your working fingers should be tied off by weed.
See, this is you, these are disgusting wishes.
Still, you wouldn’t flutter if people were gathering silently to see like around witches: who made me so evil.
Whom are you grabbing now? If you give birth to your son
it will be his pleasure to spin around, you blink at him while it gets surrounded one by one with full-length alligators around.
I lie motionlessly on my back, on the bed,
I see my eyes: you look at me with them. Die! I already wish so wordlessly the end that I might think I am going to die in it, damn.
Translated from the Hungarian poem of Attila József, “Magány”(1936).